Date:	2006-07-24 15:32
Subject:	youth, fragile youth
Security:	Public
Mood:	shocked

haven't posted in forever...

a co-worker of mine died tragically on Friday afternoon at a work party. I was in attendance, but removed. just like now i guess. basically we were at a lakeside beach, eating burgers, drinking a bit, having a good time riding blow up bulls, dunking managers, and eating hawaiian shaved ice. i left around 1:30 or 2 to beat traffic home - or so i thought. it was a very hot day, about 97 i think i remember hearing on the radio. something didn't feel right by the time i got home. it was a restless feeling. i turned on the news and heard about a drowning at an eastside lake. well, shit. same place i'd just come from.
decided to search online news on saturday evening to see if it was anybody i knew. sure enough, i was shocked to discover it was a kid - merely 25 years young - who i'd talked to at work on Thursday. He had drowned. i can't make sense of it. i can't grasp what some of my group is rehashing in their heads, knowing they witnessed all this drama unfold in front of them. Hundreds of people were there that afternoon. nobody could save him. water is weird. life is hard like this.

i'm grateful for every little slice of difficult life and every little joy.

this makes me think about the sudden and tragic loss of Nathan. Nathan with the sweet eyes. I can't delete your phone number from my phone.

reminds me of the 6 people who were shot on capital hill in late March. That morning too, i was up early, something was weird, i turned on the t.v. and caught unfolding news of the shootings on cap hill, just an hour after it had happened.

youth. it's a treasure.

Date:	2005-09-14 21:53
Subject:	what would you do
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

what would you do with $1000 if you could spend it freely - and what i mean by that is - truly freely without guilt or any strings? would you consume more or less?

fly somewhere tropical?
donate the cash?
take a road trip to Yellowstone in the winter?
buy 150 cases of diet coke and create a new diet (while poisoning yourself)
start your own business?
invest?

Date:	2005-09-09 19:14
Subject:	cryptic post - but all warm energies
Security:	Public
Mood:	god, please send me a job.

i'm four days back from the burn and there's so many things i'm missing. And yet, so many things i'm thankful for.
i wish i was still there in many ways. building a larger community, figuring out a way to have fresh water there, more cool showers, more loveliness, warmth, caring, hugging, more pink!

one of my best days ever on the playa was wednesday. it was perfect. many emotions that day, spent with many different people, ending with one very sweet, special person in my life now, we even woke to the sunrise, or maybe we fell asleep at sunrise after talking...
i was with all the people i was meant to be with. i shared roars of laughter and silliness and movement and drinks and just utter joy!
i think now, and i'd like to look back on it in a year and think that it was very much one of the best days of my life! so much joy, a little sorrow, so much laughter and warm energy...
ahhhh...soak it in.

Date:	2005-07-27 22:33
Subject:	aside from everybody else's issues, i have home repair
Security:	Public
Mood:	satisfied

oh, the joys of upgrading the home.
yeaaaaahahhhhhhhhh! After 4 days of knowing that *today* would finally be the day to put up the curtain rods and filmy white curtains, i finally acutally had the time to make it work!
i actually left work early to beat traffic, work a bit from home then get stuff done. what happens? i work till 5:30, then water outside, then clean up pablo's kitty vomit outside, then pull up more staples and vaccuum the bedroom. after spending at least half an hour finding the correct isle and picking out the screws, i check out and go home.

the first drilled holes hit a stud (i should be so lucky in my relationships). I got a bit frustrated because i thought there was something strange w/the wall and that it shouldn't be so difficult. it's just an ikea metal rod fer krissakes. when i decided that i had to have the project done tonight, i got into my car and drove back to the hardware store for a new 1/4 inch drill bit and new screws. i was thinking that the nails i had were too long. Apparently, i just needed to move the hole, and drill harder. ho hum. the obnoxious thing about trying to throw something together is that you spend time running for tools or extension cords because the outlet is too far from your electric drill...or you didn't have the right drill bit, or, or, or...everything takes longer than you had thought. that's the lesson. i thought i learned it a while ago, but apparently not.

anyway, now for the reality check - i'm watching hotel rwanda.

Date:	2005-07-15 22:52
Subject:	my moods
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	Amos Lee

is that moody, muddy or mealy?
either way, i just looked at my last post and i was angry.
hmmmm...today, i'm more melancholy and engaged with work related stuff than anything else.
i've since talked to the ex-boyfriend and hammered stuff out.
things are fine. he hated me all along. kidding.

over the last few days i expressed myself more than i normally would and in a bitchy way to an ongoing e-mail thread and it got slightly heated. (that sounds really l/tame...) i'm seriously tired - been getting only like 6 hours sleep for the last 4 nights and my body needs more than that. my mind is very awake though. too many projects to do and i feel like there's only so much time left for this summer to do them.

i might be shopping for real new, very lovely bedroom furniture tomorrow. holy crap, i may have to fork over the cash and i'm kindof excited! Now that I think about it, i've never actually had any NEW furniture except for mattresses, boxsprings and lamps. yes, i'm that frugal. Or, i just fancy the antiques.

Date:	2005-07-03 22:05
Subject:	last year at this time
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

see subject line: i was at the gorge for an outdoor show, falling in love with a beautiful man i'd never thought i'd fall for.
holy crap.
that's over.

this year, today, apparently i am angry as fuck at my ex-boyfriend from two years ago. geeszus freekin christ, what the fuxk am i mad at? i was yelling at him for his ongoing passive schtick. i thought we were dating again, but he's doing this, "i wan't to be alone, but i won't tell anybody that until after they haven't heard from me for six days bullshit act." enough!enough!enough! i'm sitting around now watching bad t.v. and trying to watch a netflix movie.

thinking about my motorcycle ride tomorrow with Roc and praying for nice weather and no accidents.

have you ever felt the reason something is now sad is because it wasn't sad at all? something in the past that was somewhat painful, but you don't regret it? well...
I expressed this last night to a guy that's near and dear to my heart...

i sleep now.

Date:	2005-06-16 14:23
Subject:	feet hurt, head hurts, job hurts
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	whatever comes out of the right side of my stereo

my pointy boots are making my feet hurt, they're hot in so many ways, my head is a scambled egg, the work i'm doing is in chaos mode, i'm wishing i had more guidance or a mentor, my living room is half-painted - but looks great with a lovely shade of '40s yellow, my cat misses me, my flowers are wilting, i am lucky to have this job but wish i'd started on the project earlier, ouch did i mention my feet hurt? people are in too much of a hurry when all they're doing is rushing up to a stoplight. where's the sense of priority? reality? productivity? ingenuity? now i'm just being silly?

happy to be alive though.

cheers.
p.s. scott, i'm right down the street from you again, off of 40th. come see me, yo.

...started a new gig a week or so before i moved into my new house. it's a modest little thing, with no need to repair or fix anything substantial. but what do i do within an hour of moving in? i hand my friend a knife. he comes out of my bedroom 15 minutes later and says "o.k. come check it out." he'd ripped out the carpet to expose the hardwoods. yeah! They're cool enough, but are covered with paint splatters. i spent the better part of memorial day weekend either hunting for tools or pulling nails out of the floor. oh joy. so glad i didn't decide to start w/the living room.

job has my brain all wrapped in a tizzy. be careful what you ask for, i say.

love life - what's that?

got flowers today delivered to my doorstep and there's a funny/strange little six degrees of separation thing that i'll speak to in another post. lovely, lovely seasonal fragrant flowers though. Thanks G.


hey - where's wally? he's suppose to be here by now.

Date:	2005-05-18 23:28
Subject:	We're all Fools!
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

My Date with Density
Dateline: Last Monday. Started conversing w/Mr. EgoMan cause i was walking by and he pulled me into a conversation w/him and J.
Talked about his constuction/remodeling work. basically i was wondering if he'd be willing to take me on on a temp basis if i didn't get another gig right away. (note: i cannot afford to go w/out pay for 2 weeks and that's where i was w/my company. employed for sure now, starting a new gig with m_.)

so, at the end of the conversation he started saying, "hey, i need a date for this weekend - i've got two different choices and i can't find a date." [all about him! i'm the cake decoration, just there to make him look good] so, i shrugged and said, i'd be interested. sounded harmless. i directly and specifically asked him if he'd already had a significant other. he said, "well, i date lots of different women." [apparently that doesn't include the wife.]
( more details )

Date:	2005-05-18 23:27
Subject:	i have a real job
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

yes, i have a real job. i found out about it for sure on friday. sooo, if you were concerned, breathe out now.

Date:	2005-05-13 01:22
Subject:	telling it like it is
Security:	Public
Mood:	cynical

nothing happened today if you don't count the fingernails that were chewed off, the forking over of 32 dollars for a new chair from craig's list (fun), the forking over of another 30 dollars for gas (not so much fun) and the forking (ouch), the phone calls that were answered to verify $$ for the downpayment of a house (suppose to be exciting and fun!). I'm doing all of this [all of what?] in the name of me trying to keep myself sane and keep from drinking too much coffee and not getting an ulcer worrying over my next potential job, next potential ev-er-y-thing.
schmoozer inside sales guy from work did NOT get back to me yesterday evening, nor this afternoon about the job that he was suppose to win for me. appartently, yes, apartent, i have to either blow him or give him playoff tickets so he can get me a lousy, stinkin short term contract at the Big Software Company.

i give up. i'm going to plow the back 40 in nebraska.

Date:	2005-05-13 01:07
Subject:	so let it be written...
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

i really didn't mean to flip you guys off. you know that right?
if you really want to ask me out, you better do it seriously. i don't go for half-assed lame-ass i-kinda-want-to-take-you-out but i'm hoping you'll get the hint so the girl will ask you instead kind of thing.
shit, who does this chick think she is?
;)

so let it be written, so let it be done.

hey ya'll be safe out there - it's friday the 13th and it better damn well be a good day gawddadmnnit!!!

Date:	2005-05-10 23:54
Subject:	all about me
Security:	Public
Mood:	giggly

i swear to god i got asked out by four guys last night.
funny the way the universe is aligned right now. too funny.


ben stiller is in front of me right now and i'm distracted cause he doesn't stop moving. fidgety gidget. what the frick is this movie anyway? something from my roommies collection. shit, hank azaria (voice of one of the simpson's), william macy, buttloads of good actors with a really bad premise. oh, it's called "mystery men." of course. holy shit, pee wee herman is in it too!

why is my friend M so lonely when all he has to do is pick up the phone to say hello. stop watching that damn "reality" t.v. and things won't look so bleak. just stop, give it a 5 day rest. walk don't run to your local hardware store and buy a sledgehammer. use it.

anyway, can't talk about what i want to talk about cause it'll put a hex on it. shhhh zipit,zip, nadda sheeee, na, shhh, zip, lalalalalalaaaa

where's my cat?

Date:	2005-05-06 20:10
Subject:	productivity and the art of succuming to mind numbing corporate security document lexicon thingie
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless

is it so wrong to have a moderate income, to drink red wine from time to time, to indulge in free chocolate, to want a little house of my own with a big yard, a garden to grow vegetables, a lunging, mice-killing fat cat, maybe a dog again, and some space to roam? is that so wrong?

ahh, c'est la vie. j'ne c'est pas, i flunked french, but i love amelie.

i cannot focus for a straight 8 hours. i need chunks. chunks of time to spread out my thoughts and writing, time to amble, ramble, take out the trash, sweep the floor, call my mom, feed the cat, spritz on perfume, daydream about what flowers i'd like to plant in my new garden, walk barefoot through the house. that's at least 10 hours of the day when you include work time, yes? i need that time to think. can anybody really write for 8 straight hours!? productivity - that's something that's always in the back of my little brain. how much i may or may not produce and how much of those 8 hours i'm to give a company. what is productivity really? they give you a project, tell you that you have 80 hours to complete it, yet you know you could be done in 12 if you rushed it. but then procrastination (or is that inertia?) takes over and you realize you have a nasty headache from over-thinking it and wouldn't you rather be pouring booze for people while they chat you up or cleaning houses? nah.

bunnies, get back in your hole.

Date:	2005-04-26 13:58
Subject:	astral forecasts for your inner 12 year-old boy
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Fiery Mars meets the surprise of Uranus this May.
*snort*

Date:	2005-04-26 11:55
Subject:	ugggh, neurotic or is it neurosis?
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy

see?!

i'm neurotic. about everything.
getting rid of the mosquitoes that have now inhabited my car.
getting rid of the stray, shedded-overnight hairs that inhabit my pillow. [i think i have a thing about shedding.]
Triple checking to see that my cat's big open wound is healing nicely before i leave him for four days with my roommate (bless her heart). Thinking i cannot tackle a project if i don't know exactly HOW to go about presenting it or what it will look like in the end.
Remembering to call Jole to remind him that he still has my favorite expensive lipstick somewhere in one of his pockets from a vancouver party. Is that lame?

so, basically, i'm neurotic about work lately, or at least i was last week when i had a deadline to meet. like most deadlines, when there's other people's input involved, it can get scraggly and intense and you just cannot take their requests for change personally. I didn't and i felt good about it.
When I came back from my little birthday vacation, i found that my two documents that i had written, then re-written at the request of a)my boss and b)my project manager, had changed YET again. The changes that I made were their edits too! geeesh people, make up your freekin minds and let me write it. I'm the writer, you're the project manager. This is why i was freekin hired. It's all about control, evidently.

I am also realizing that this work is really only meaningful in that it brings in a nice paycheck and I'm there to help a company succeed before they get reamed (or, most likely not) by the auditor. i just have to remember to do the work the best i've been taught with very little guidance in this case, and then let it go. move on. Move on to another project at another client and hopefully take from this that i now know a little better how to deal with a high-strung giving-as-little-clarity-as-possible project manager who loves to toss around jargon. arrrggghhh.

My other writing on the creative side is essentially non-existent. It's funny how one of my fellow co-workers, a writer with a lot of experience with compliance and corporate governance, can go home and write romance novels. not me. I have to feel like i'm getting everything right the FIRST time! little bits and pieces of a poem started forming this past weekend, but only because i was so far removed from work and on a mediatation-like retreat!

Date:	2005-04-25 21:57
Subject:	what you ask of the universe
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

o.k. if it wasn't for my stomach ache...
bllleecch, gawd i hope i didn't get something at the hotsprings.

lately i am realizing that whatever you give to the universe, it gives back to you two-fold.

Napa Valley and Harbin Hotsprings were lovely, lovely. Better because i had a saweet Mustang convertile to drive through the mountains. I had a full moon on Sunday and the dork who tried to pick me up was so transparent, it was funny.

The universe has been very nice to me lately and for that I am content.
uggg...gotta run. i was going to get all eloquent and now i cannot.

Date:	2005-03-30 14:56
Subject:	Aunt Again!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	some blues number they're playing in the coffee shop

i'm an auntie again.
Grady Jay (it's a boy!) was born this a.m.
yeaaahhhhhh! another bull-headed, strong-willed taurus in the family!

I even like the name they chose. My brother wasn't divulging the sex, or maybe they didn't want to know till the end. Either way, he's a healthy 8lb boy!
yeaaahhhhhh...

Date:	2005-03-28 14:06
Subject:	If you made a finger puppet, what would it say?
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	some random Patsy Cline

if i made a finger puppet, it would be on my left hand, in blue ink and it would speak in a tiny voice, "just because i have fat thighs, doesn't mean i have bad credit."

now, the question remains: does this make you feel better or worse?
try it. you might like it.

basically, what went down today was that i had to put on the pointy boots and do some assssskickin. freeekin government sallie mae bullstink. freekin' freekin with my payments and credit and sheet.

breaaeaaaaatheOut.